Regret can be a useful tool.
Learning can be hard
Lessons can come from a million different sources in life. Think of some you’ve learned — the hard ones. I don’t mean like learning about history or math, but deeper lessons about yourself and the world around you. Things like the value of friendship, the meaning of sorrow, the pride in hard work, or the stain of regret.
It’s the last one I’d like to start with here. Those stains we all have on our past, our reputations, or even our very souls. Regret can be a terrible curse, but it can also provide powerful lessons.
Before I go on, please remember that regret is there to remind us to do better next time. It’s not there to endlessly punish us for things we cannot change. As someone who has lived with anxiety my entire life, I know how powerfully debilitating regret can be; but it doesn’t have to be. Over the years, I’ve learned to use regret as fuel for the future, as opposed to an anchor to the past.
I want to use this post to ignite that fuel in you.
Unheeded warnings
Take a moment now to think of a regret you’ve experienced in your life; specifically, a regret that was born of you not heeding a warning you knew to be true. Remember a time when you were warned; when you knew not to do a thing, but you decided to do it anyway. It may have been an explicit warning, like a person literally warning you, but it was likely more of a feeling deep down in the parts of yourself we often dismiss on a day-to-day basis.
Whatever stopped you from heeding that warning — be it pride, curiosity, stupidity, or fear; it doesn’t matter — you knew it was the wrong choice, even as you made it. Discovering the final result of your actions, or inaction, wasn’t news, it was more like the a domino tipping in a chain that you yourself initiated.
Now here you are, having ignored the warning you knew you should have heeded. You regret your choices, and feel the shame and embarrassment that goes with true regret. What I’ve learned — and hope to express to you here today — is that throughout life, those bad choices can turn out to be opportunities for learning and growth. In fact, mistakes are often required, in order to become a better person in the future, and regret is one of the most powerful vehicles for that change.
Not everybody regrets
There are few things in life as truly terrible as deep and profound regret. There are times when there was little you could have done to prevent what you now regret, or there may have been no way of knowing what you know now; either way, regret hurts. Regret hurts because you know you did something wrong, and that you could have done better. That fact that you know that means you can do better in the future.
Shitty people don’t regret — if you regret, it means you’re a good person who made a bad choice.
So, remember that choice, remember that lesson, and feel the burn of regret as you read now. Allow it to remind you of the determination and resolve you had when it was fresh in your heart and mind — you would do better in the future.
Well, you’re in that future now. It’s easy to forget the fact that the present moment is all we ever have. The past happened in this moment, and the future will also happen right now. The regrets you can still feel are your past self reminding you that you can do better now — you’ve already arrived at your time to do better.
This is your call
Movies make us expect grand scenery when the hero accepts what they must do, when they finally act. Or they make it look like we have to wait for the perfect moment, so we can do better the next time a similar situation comes our way. Instead, your call is a little blog on a screen, with a generic call to remember the lessons of your past. It’s not grandiose, and you’re not likely reading this while calm, centred, and reflective, but we don’t get to choose when our regrets will become useful.
The regret you may be thinking of might not have anything to do with the positive action you know you should take; it doesn’t need to, since the lesson is the same. Regret is there to remind us of our past. It’s there to ensure we do better next time — this time.
Again, you regret because you’re a good person who made a bad choice. Regardless of the actual lesson within that regret, the basic message is to do better — act with integrity, responsibility, and empathy.
Regardless of how this is happening, you know exactly what you should be doing. You don’t need any one last thing, or any more time to prepare, or anything else which would make everything perfect. It will never be perfect, but it will, and indeed is, the right time to improve yourself. If you were waiting for a sign, consider this as clear as it’s going to get. You might regret not heeding this call.
The work that needs to be done can begin today
Now is the time to be your best self. This is your call; please use this call to act with integrity and determination. Life is short, and the regret most often expressed by those on their deathbed is that they didn’t do ‘the thing’, whatever that thing is. That ‘thing’ could be a project, career change, or to break a habit you know isn’t good for you; hell, it could be as simple as ‘be nicer to strangers’.
By choosing to allow this blog post to remind you of what you already know, you’re actively working to use your past regrets to fuel your future, rather than simply waiting, regretting, and remaining stagnant. You will be adapting the lessons from your past to suit the present, honouring any people you may have wronged, and showing yourself that you can indeed improve. The only cure for regret is acting in accordance with the lessons that regret has taught you; do better next this time.
The only thing you have to do is to act. Don’t just get a warm feeling of determination, and move-on to another piece of content to consume. You need to take action. Go do the thing, go create the thing, go talk to the person, go help yourself, or whatever it is you know you should do to be the person you know you can be — the person in you who felt regret will be so happy when you do.
Act now, for tomorrow is not guaranteed for any of us.
Good luck.
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