Building a Life

The point of this piece is to explain insights I’ve gained on raising my son. As of this writing, he’s three years old.

To explain the particular insight I’d like to discuss, I’ll need to build a foundation of a few other concepts first, so please be patient — I promise, we’ll get there.

Focus on the present

Throughout my life, I’ve struggled to maintain my focus on the present. Similar to how Yoda scolded Luke, I often found myself looking back or looking forward – rarely did I have my mind *fully* on where I was and what I was doing.

This was especially challenging in my youth, but I’d be lying if I said I’d mastered the ability to maintain my focus on the here and now – where it belongs 95% of the time.

As far as I know, this is a very common struggle. As we live our lives, our minds are often drawn to wander into the past— whether that’s the comfort of nostalgia, or the self-deprecation of regret. When we aren’t focused inwards, looking back, we’re often inwards looking forward to a similarly polarized future, depending on your disposition –- the wonder of possible futures, or the anxiety of what may come.

When does life really start?

I believe the perspectives discussed above are the root of something I’ve struggled to define when discussing it with others over the years. For much of my life — less so today, but it’s still there a bit — I’ve struggled with the idea that this isn’t life yet. My official and real life hasn’t started. Different phases of my life will be marked by a clearly defined beginning and end.

This is, of course, far from the reality of life, but the concept has stuck in how I see my life, but I know I’m not alone in this, as I discovered a song many years ago which articulated this concept beautifully: Waiting for My Real Life to Begin, by Colin Hay

This whole concept could be a simple matter of laziness; I can’t do it now, it’s not time. It could be born of fear; I’ll fail if I act now, I need to wait for the right time. Or if could be a deeply rooted, and well documented psychological phenomenon which researchers have studied extensively (The Internet tells me it is - it’s referred to as “the deferred life syndrome”).

It took me a long time to learn that life was, in fact, exclusively the present moment in each and every instance. Each moment of time – me writing this, and you reading it – are the exact same. There is only one time: now. We only have one life, and it began the moment you first drew breath.

Do as I say, not as I do

Older people often try to tell younger people how to behave, even when they themselves don’t abide by those lessons themselves. I’ve always found this type of attitude hypocritical and somewhat related to authenticity in a kind of “if it is so great, then why don’t you do it?” type of sentiment.

Now, there is a slight, but important, variation on that idea: Do as I say, not as I’ve done.

This is one person trying to teach the lessons they have learned through experience, likely in an effort to save a younger person from the consequences of decisions they now regret.

The ideal stance here is to advise others, based on the lessons learned in the past, while actively working to live the lessons learned themselves.

I believe my son needs to see what lessons and values look like in real life – to see the effort and the rewards that make them a reality, day-to-day. Not just the big milestone decisions, but the tiny grain-of-sand-decisions too.

Telling someone the long-term effects of a thing is too distant of a concept for it to really sink in. Showing them, however, through each decision you make and every consequence you face – whether they’re around or not – makes them see what it might be like for them.

In order to teach others or to work to save them from making the same mistakes I have made, I need to walk the walk. Telling others to better themselves, when I am not working to better myself, is hypocritical, plain and simple. Not only is it hypocritical, I would be doing nothing more than trying to make myself feel superior and wise, when in fact I would be quite the opposite – someone who knows the solution, yet does nothing to make it a reality.

Tying it all together

If I want my son to honor the values I am trying to teach him, to learn from the life I have led, so he can then make better decisions and live a better life than I have, I need to live those values myself each day.

This is not to say I won’t falter, stumble, or make entirely new mistakes – I definitely will. I don’t claim to be some kind of wise old turtle. But if I want my son to build upon what I have learned, I need to continue learning, and continue working to improve.

There is no starting point. I don’t need to wait until some arbitrary milestone arrives. I don’t need more free time, more money, or less stress. There is no excuse I can offer for not actively working to be a better human being and, as a consequence, a better example for my son.

I am building my life out of decisions – each of those decisions is born in the present moment. The life that I continually build is an example of the values and priorities I believe to be best for me and those with whom I share my life.

My life is in the present. It wasn’t in the past when everything seemed to be perfect (it wasn’t), and it won’t be in the future when everything will be just right (it won’t). My son is watching me now. He is watching my actions when he is with me, and he is watching the person I am each day as he reflects on the memories he is building each day.

Not a parent? So what?

I believe all of this to be true for those around me too – not just my son. My wife, my friends, people in my neighborhood, and anyone I encounter when I go buy groceries. We all learn from each other, whether we notice it or not. Each of us have countless opportunities to be a positive influence on the world around us, if we so choose.

Be the change you want to see in the world. The butterfly effect. Carpe diem. Lead by example. There are countless expressions for the ideas I’ve discussed here today. I’ve said nothing new.

Your life is happening right now. There is no official starting line. Help others through your own decisions and actions.

Work hard, and good luck.